• May 10th '23

Holy Heist

Churches and Pastors have been a force for good serving as beacons of hope and solace in our Kenyan society. They have nurtured the souls of countless Individuals with good values providing guidance, comfort and support when it is needed most. They have been providing hope by showing people the light at the end of the tunnel when all seems dark. But some Churches and Pastors use this hope to swindle their believers' money while they laugh straight to the bank. This article is not about the saintly good servants of God. It is about the bad apples who preach, scheme, and laugh all the way to the bank. These are the steps provided by Kenyansontwitter on how they create a massive following then generate a lot of money from their new-found audience.

Step 1: Branding and Image

First things first, a pastor must look the part. To achieve the perfect blend of divine aura and worldly charm, a well-fitted suit and some shiny accessories are a must. If you do not have the accessories, just wear plain white clothes. White clothes with our skin tone makes a perfect match and you will be considered an angel because most angels are white or wear white in Christianity media. After all, one must represent the heavenly boss in style. Don't forget the oversized Bible; it's a prop for storytelling and also doubles as a shield from the skeptics.

Step 2: Storytelling and Preaching

What's a pastor without a sermon? The trick is to find the perfect balance between scripture and storytelling. Tailor your message to tap into the fears and dreams of your congregation. Remember, hope is the product you're selling, and everyone loves a good sales pitch. Throw in some catchy phrases, and watch the congregation nod their heads in unison, like a synchronized swimming team.

You must be a good story-teller. Human beings do not digest facts using complicated words but using stories. The Bible is filled with stories which you can use to present a story you like. You must practice your storytelling skills and constantly strive to improve.If a picture is worth a thousand words, then a story is worth a thousand assurances. A Story is a path to creating faith and since people value their own conclusions more highly than yours by using a story you can make them conclude what you want them to think. Once people make your story, their story, you have tapped into the powerful force of faith.

Step 3: Miracles, Miracles Everywhere

Here comes one of the main ingredients: performing "miracles." Get creative with this one. Whether it's healing a blind man (who's actually an undercover accomplice) or making a wheelchair-bound lady walk again (who just so happens to be your cousin), the possibilities are endless. When in doubt, just speak in tongues. No one can dispute the authenticity of unintelligible babble, right?

Step 4: The Divine Marketplace

This is the most important part and this is why you are venturing into these green fields. Now that you have established your storytelling skills capturing the hearts of people plus performing miracles you have to present people with a product so that they can experience the powers you have. Since some people already believed in you they can have a placebo effect and actually see miracles by using your products.

Even in the house of God, capitalism thrives, and as a pastor, you've got to have your unique product line. But what to sell? Fear not, for the divine inspiration has got you covered.

Let's take a leaf out of the holy book of some ingenious pastors. Holy water, for instance, is a hot seller. It's like the Coca-Cola of the divine world - everyone wants a sip! Bottled right from the tap of your church (or, if you're feeling extra creative, your swimming pool), this divine elixir promises everything from healing ailments to warding off evil spirits.

And who could forget the sacred handkerchief? Yes, you've read it right. A simple piece of cloth, blessed by your touch, can suddenly become a mystical talisman, promising miracles. Cure for common cold? Check. Protection against bad luck? Double check. Who knew a piece of fabric could hold such power?

But remember, these divine commodities only fly off the shelves once you've mastered the art of storytelling and showcased your miracle-working prowess. Build the hype, create the demand, and voila, your divine products are as irresistible as the apple in the Garden of Eden. So, gear up and turn your pastoral enterprise into a heavenly supermarket. Happy selling!

Step 5: The Art of Seed Planting

With the congregation's faith fully anchored, it's time to cash in on those blessings. Introduce the concept of seed planting, where members donate generously to unlock the heavenly floodgates of prosperity. Make sure to remind them that the more they give, the more they'll receive. A pastor's Lexus is merely a testimony to the Lord's abundant blessings.

Step 6: Become Untouchable

As your ministry grows and the bank accounts swell, you'll likely attract some unwanted attention. No worries, though. With your congregation's unwavering loyalty and a little help from friends in high places, you'll become untouchable. After all, who would dare question the legitimacy of a pastor's wealth when they're backed by the big man upstairs?

And there you have it. A glimpse into the comedic tragedy of Kenyan pastoral money-making. While the gullible continue to be swindled, these cunning pastors laugh all the way to the bank, leaving a trail of empty wallets and shattered dreams in their wake. It's a sad, yet amusing spectacle that brings new meaning to the phrase, "In God We Trust."